Heather's life is falling down, falling down...

I feel like everything in my life is going haywire and there's no way to fix it.

You know, like a roller coaster that's been set to level 'HOLY SHYIT!!' and the handle broke off so you can't pull on it to save the people on it.

Yea... the conductor of my roller coaster fell asleep and neglected to pay attention when a small idiot ran by and broke the handle... Now I'm stuck on this hell-hole of a ride and there's no end in sight.

Do you get the word picture I'm painting here?

I'm fucked.

I've got so many bills that are piling up and a social host ticket that I have yet to pay off even though the deadline is creeping up faster than my dad's receding hairline... But you know... I'm not letting it get to me. I'm trying. That's all I can do at this point. I have goals, pay off the ticket, pay off credit card bill... I'm hopefully getting a new job at Panera, so that'll be a nice extra source of income.

But the real cherry on the top of my shit-sundae is that I've been feeling exceptionally lonely lately. I live with 5 other people. This should not be a problem. But I still feel it.

This used to happen all the time when I was younger and lived at home. But now I'm older and live with friends and constantly have friends over and I'm still feeling like I'm on my own little island. On a roller coaster. A really fast roller coaster that won't stop rolling and coasting.

But, alas, what am I to do but grin and bear it. No one can really help me with my problems because that's exactly what they are.. MY problems. I just need to deal with them as they come and let it happen. Right?

Or maybe I can grab life by the ball hairs and tell it to fuck off. Stress and hatred and loneliness, those are all just figments of my overactive imagination. So I can turn them off and let them go. Like a bird... or a butterfly or something.........

I don't know why I'm really writing this. Maybe I just miss being able to write and get shit off my chest. Perhaps all I need is a creative outlet to plug myself into and get rid of all this nonsense that's cluttering up my life.

Maybe I miss my mom. That seems logical. I should call her.

Anyway... I suppose I should let the reader get back to their life and go do something productive myself...

Save yourself from yourself. Get out every once in a while and just let it go. Any way you can.

Pewpewpew!

Drinking. Hanging out with my favorite Emily and typing a story that I'm wicked proud of. Had a barbecue today. Did stuff... All in all a fantabulous day :)

That is all.

:D

R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means.... bitches.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Heather who was hungover. So Heather, possessing just enough money, decided to go to the magical Cash Wise and get some food to snack on. She bought wonderful snack foods and brought them back to her home to enjoy. She shared what she had with her roommates who wanted some.

But later that night...

Alright, I'll stop bullshitting here. I bought myself some foods because I was hungover and kinda grumpy. Too many Jager-bombs can do that to ya. I came back and asked if my roommates wanted some cookies or something. I also offered a can of pop if they so chose.

Later in the evening, I went to bed because I had to work the next day. I slept, woke up, went to work and came home. Once I got home, I thought that some chips and sour cream would be a nice treat for suffering through work with a smile on my face...

Only I come home to find that one of my bags of chips is completely gone, along with all but two of the 12 pack of pop that I bought. The cookies were also completely annihilated. This bothered me.

I'm not really that bothered by the fact that they ate my snacks. I'm pissed off by the fact that they didn't follow the simple principle of RESPECT!

For example: When I hunger, I look around our apartment to see what is available for me to eat. I look for stuff that I purchased or brought with me. I don't go munching on food that I didn't purchase. My roommates did.

I probably would have been okay with it, had they asked me.

AND THEN! Eric had the gall to think he was going to take my ENTIRE other bag of chips to a party he was going to. Umm... Fuck no sir.

That leads me to why I'm pissed off today. All of this wrapped up in a neat little package, topped off by the fact that someone decided to watch a movie with the surround sound volume and bass all the fuck the way up this morning. "That's fine... It's not like I WORK or anything today..."

Whatever. I've been a doormat my whole life, why change now? ....

But I thought I'd get this all off my chest. Now that it's down on paper (sort of) it sounds more petty than I would like and that sort of takes all the anger out of it. So I feel better now.

Thanks, Internet, for listening to my nonsense.

Heather.

Oh hey mom.

And so I start to wonder.

My mom is the one person in my life who has always been there to be proud of me in my triumphs and to make fun of me when I fail. It's a strange relationship we have, but I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones.

By lucky I mean that...

Well, my mom was a party girl in high school and she decided sometime around the age of 16 that having a child would be a good idea. So, she and my father made me and there is how I became me.

In a way I feel like I saved my mom from herself. She could have ended up like my grandmother and become an alcoholic who smokes like a chimney and will be lucky to see her 60th birthday. No, I saved her from that because she had me and became a responsible adult with a daughter to take care of.

With my mom being so young, I feel like she was and is more of my friend than my mother. Recently this has become the case. But she does have her 'mom' moments where she shows me how much she cares and loves me.

Like tonight..

Mom is usually the type to get into bed after my siblings go to bed. So she'll be asleep by, like... 8:30.

Tonight, I was watching a movie with my roommate and she texted me. It was 12:15 when my phone went off and I figured it was a friend or another roommate. But she said that she loved me and wanted me to know it.

I've never really known my mom to be the sentimental type. She's never really come out and said 'I love you' to me. I've sort of always known. But when I moved out and went off to college, she became more of the sentimental person I see now. She calls to say hi and tells me she loves me and hugs me whenever I leave home after visiting.

This seemed weird in the beginning. Now, I thrive on my mom being the strange person I once thought her to be.

But I love my mom, and I'm crazy lucky to have her in my life. I never really get the chance to tell her that and believe me, I try.

I actually got the chance to tell her at one point, and dad said that she cried. So did he.

I had had a class at my college where we wrote stories and poems modeled after authors whom we had read. So I wrote her a poem modeled after Anne Sexton's 'Little Girl, my String Bean, my Lovely Woman' where she writes about her daughter. I did it in sort of the same way except it was everything I wanted to say to my mom but she would think it's weird. So I wrote the poem and my teacher loved it and told me that I should give it to her.

And I did. But in the coolest way I could think of. I made her a card for mother's day and put the poem in it along with a little note saying what it was and that she was the best mom and all that jazz. Dad said that she read it and then he did and they both cried at it because it was so touching. Not to toot my own horn here, but beep beep.

There's also the satisfaction of knowing that I told my mom that I love her and that she means the world to me.

I guess I'm writing this because I miss home and am realizing that I'm more and more on my own.

But alas, I wrap up this blog entry and go about my business.

Good day to you internet.

IT'S SO ANGRY!!

I don't care if anyone reads this. It's just another thing I need to get off my chest or else I'll self destruct.

I can't live in Minnesota much longer. The snow, the gray landscape, the painfully white inhabitants... It's enough to make one wish they were blind.

It's like I'm living in a snow globe, but no one will shake it. We're left on the shelf, collecting dust and time.

For the love of humanity, someone get me the hell out of here.

Too much to ask?

Always is.

Snow globe is too nice of a phrase to describe the burning hell I find myself in from day to day. It's more like I'm living in a trash bin that I can see out of. I can see the things around me that I want, but that's my problem. They're OUT there somewhere and I'm still a child to most people.

Another question, at what age do I stop being the irresponsible child whom everyone sees in me? I lost her a while ago. When I had to start playing babysitter and parent to my drunk family, I lost my childhood and found out real fast how to grow up. It's unfair for that to happen to someone so young.

But, of course, we're told to grow up and be an adult.

Hypocritical bastards.

We grow up and people tell us to hold on to our innocence and our child-like qualities.

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS!!!

Stop piling your wordy shit on top of me. I have things to do and your vile vocabulary spilling forth from your mouth makes it hard to move.

Let me do it my way. I need to make my mistakes now and think about it later.

It's that privilege you get when you're older. Let me work towards it. I want to do something wrong and then be able to tell kids that they shouldn't do it.

So eat me, you hypocritical, shit-spewing, childhood-raping rat bastards.

Leave me alone.

If I need some of your pretentious bullshit of advice, I'll ask.

it's been a while... hello world.

I missed this. The whole blogging thing. Sadly, only one person reads this, or more accurately read this.

But it's nice to get crap out of my head so that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

So I go home for a month for Christmas. I have fun with the family and all that jazz. And then I come back to my home away from home, St. Cloud.

A number of things have changed. Some for the better. Others, not so much.

We got a new stove, which we were long overdue for.

One of my roommate's Grandpa died. Which sucks. Death is no fun.

Drama has unfolded amongst our herd. Before I explain anything, I'm going to give my roommates code names for THEIR privacy. Roommate A is the other girl, and roommates B and C are the boys. Now, part 1.

Roommate B has had a crush on this girl who is best friends with Roommate A's boy toy. This girl is mad at roommate A because A is sleeping with the girl's crush.

As I put all this down, it sounds like a bad soap opera about high school.

Anyway, so the girl has been over now and again, and Roommate B likes her. BUT! Roommate C decided that he would sleep with this girl. He did this, I think, because the girl he had feelings for previously wasn't sleeping with him anymore. She toyed with him and then threw him on his face. Figuratively of course. Major blueballs. So things have been a lil bit awkward around here since I got back.

The girl that C was previously dating and, after that, sleeping with casually, is no longer welcome here. It was never put to committee, it was decided while I was gone.

Change is weird when you didn't know it happened.

But, alas, I cannot change change. It's here. It happened. Whatever.

I guess I really don't have much else to say.

Stay classy, Internet.

-H.

They all fall down..

There are a number of things on my mind.

First of all, I've been thinking a lot about what happiness is and what makes me happy.

Ice cream makes me happy. Frozen grapes, puppies, bad jokes, good movies, shoes, nail polish, jewelry and a random letter or Facebook post from someone I haven't heard from in a while, just checking in to say hello. All of those make me happy.

But that's more like.. A superficial happiness. Or fleeting. These things come and go and it's instant gratification. There's no long-term effect.

I've just been hoping to find things that make me happy for ever. Not just for this minute.

Then, I've been looking at love. I'm wondering if it, like the theory of God, is just a fallacy created by a couple of people who wanted to control others. Look at the cavemen...

They, like animals, mated to keep the species alive. There was no love. Babies. That's all it was.

Now, it's like.. People have gone backwards. All they look for is love and that ONE special person who they will spend the rest of their lives with. Then and only then will they make babies and keep our race going.

But maybe, somewhere down the line, someone said "Hey, let's fuck with the evolutionary process and convince people that they can't procreate without falling in love first.." What ever happened to the good old days of impersonal sexual relations?..

As I'm typing this, Beyonce's "Single Ladies" just came on the radio.

IT'S SHYIT LIKE THAT THAT PROVES MY POINT FURTHER!

Maybe it's the cynical bitch in me, slowly clawing her way to the surface.. She's making me look at all this. I'll be 20 soon. I have friends that are engaged and having babies and all the things you're supposed to do when you grow up. I feel like I'm missing something here. All the rest of my friends who AREN'T having babies and getting married are getting laid and partying. And I'm here.. Talking to maybe two people who will actually read this.

I'm filled to the top with cynicism and lamesauce..

So I'll just eat my frozen grapes.. play Xbox for the next 6 hours and forget about this whole mess...